Erykah Badu (via killdrugs)
👀 I see no lies!(via black—lamb) —
My life is organized around voids. Childhood gave me some semblance of a personality sure but it created lifelong voids that are far more permanent and definitive. My personality changes a lot depending on the circumstances but my entire life is literally premised on the temporary sense of fulfillment of the voids.
People have asked me what I mean when I say I love you. The answer has always been the same. When I love someone I reorganize my life to accommodate their continued presence in it. It’s kinda like my heart is a living room and some people are permanent (more or less) fixtures while others are like the daily paper or the random clutter that just sorta happens over time that are cleared out after a while. I clean out my heart a lot and there are very few people who have occupied space in it for an extended period of time. The fact that I burn bridges easily is one of the most true things that someone can say about me. The problem is that I worry I’m using people/my love for people as not just distractions but as cover ups for the holes in the walls/ceiling/floor left from past hole-creating events that I haven’t taken the time to patch up. Like oh look there’s an unsightly hole in the wall lemme just push this couch in front of it so that it’s out of sight, out of mind. I worry a lot that underlying my feelings of love and affection is this obsessive need to fill bottomless voids. I also know that even tho I have plenty of unfounded worries, this is not one of them cuz it makes a lot emotional sense.
I’m just like stuck in a state of missing with a fast track round trip ticket to the state of denial.
all my friends like “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re mentally ill and struggling with the fact that we’re legal adults in a capitalist society with all the oppressions that entails”